I haven't blogged in a while. I just haven't had it in me. I don't know what to let out and what to keep in. I guess you cant be truly strong till you acknowledge your weakness and accepted it or over come it. I am learning to accept that my heart is my weakness. Words, they bruise, cut, tear, and rip a part my soul more then psychical violence ever could. Once something is said to me it stays with me forever. The good the bad and the " I'm sorry I was mad I didn't mean it". I don't believe that line at all. I believe when you say it to me you mean it. Some where in side of you, you think it and at that moment you just got brave enough to say it to me. Through everything I have been through in life I don't think the violence I have suffered has damaged me half as much as the words.Yes I have scars but my tattoos hide them and soon all of them. In fact gaining those scars has made me fearless of confrontation, fearless to stand up for my self and the people I hold dear. I am not scared to have a voice or fight for what I want. The words, the horrible things that have been said to me over the years. Those have destroyed a part of me. Those comments about my looks or how heartless I am have caused me to shut down and shut people out. They have taught me to keep a million unbreakable walls up and even build a trench.
Some how my divorce and the after math of it became so public. I have had deal with rumors. whispers, and people calling me a liar. I was miserable. I gained tons of weight. I didn't look like myself at all. By the end of everything I didn't even want to be alive and locked my self a way and hid. I lost a desire for anything. I couldn't cope with the fact that I gave some one everything and devoted over 10 years to them and in those 10 years they were with me that person never wanted me. I was a stepping stone to his career, I was a bank account and a punching bag. I went in to that marriage a homecoming queen and left it dead inside, emotionless and on the verge of suicide. I was so broken, mentally and psychically destroyed. I went to bed one night hoping to not wake up. Not to have to look in the mirror again. Praying I wouldn't have to deal with rumors or people looking at me. The whispers about how pretty I use to be. Instead I woke up the next morning made my coffee and as my cat sat next to the coffee pot looking at me, it hit me like a brick to the face. I am hella smart. I own a business. I am an artist, I breath art. "You know business, you are a damn good artist and who cares if you aren't pretty any more. Use that brain and those hands to fight back." I got ready and the moment I put my mascara on I made a promise to my self that they will never win. They will never beat me. From that moment on I have put every part of me in to my businesses.
I close my self off with business. I am good at it. Its a battle, a war. Its a competition to out smart, to beat others. No emotions, just strategies. I am constantly thinking, planning, designing. So I wake up every morning and all I think about is dominating. Taking over, going harder then others, making the impossible happen. Life is good like this. Business, tattooing, art it saved me when all I wanted was death. My memories are my worst enemy, the pain it will destroy me. When I become idle I become depressed and start to hate myself. Sooo that is how I do it. This is how I survived and keep surviving. When the sun stop shinning I went to war.
I keep my circle tight and let few in but if for a second you make me unhappy I am smart enough now to walk a way with out looking back. I know now that no matter how bad things get and you feel like you cant breath, it wont last. One day you will wake up and breathing will come easier, the emptiness you feel will start to fade. I cant promise it will ever go a way but it wont always have its grip. Live this life for you, make it what you want it to be. Never give up and dont let some one who does so little for you control so much of you.
